Treating vaginismus and consummating the marriage for the first time

Treating vaginismus and consummating the marriage for the first time marks a turning point in Devorah and Eli’s marriage, but not a simple resolution. After a therapist identifies vaginismus, Devorah works for months to retrain her body, first with dilators and later with help from a hypnotherapist. She and Eli eventually have intercourse, ending the marriage’s unconsummated status; the experience is painful for Devorah, and the narrative links this intimate milestone to the religious rules, secrecy, and unequal expectations surrounding her body.

Background and the impasse

Devorah’s difficulty takes shape within a system that regulates women’s bodies through religious instruction and ritual. In marriage classes, she learns the laws of Niddah, under which menstruation renders a woman ritually impure for a period of time. She objects to the language used to explain the condition and to the implication that her body is dirty. Before the wedding, her instructor warns that menstruating at the wrong time could prevent the couple from touching or sharing an apartment after the ceremony. Devorah is prescribed birth control to control her cycle and avoid that possibility. These rules make bodily knowledge consequential while leaving Devorah uncomfortable with examining her own body.

The couple’s difficulty continues after the wedding. Devorah promises Eli that she will try to find a way to address their problem and makes an appointment with a sex therapist recommended by Dr. Patrick. A therapist interprets Devorah’s physical response during an examination as evidence that her mind is affecting her body. The diagnosis is vaginismus. A book the therapist gives her explains that the condition is common among women raised in repressive religious environments. Devorah recognizes a connection between years of hiding from her body and the body’s resistance to her conscious efforts.

A course of treatment undertaken in private

The book describes muscle memory as part of the problem: bodily responses can persist even when a person consciously wants them to change. Treatment therefore involves more than deciding to relax. Devorah is advised to use a plastic kit of dilators, graduated in width, alongside breathing procedures and muscular exercises. The goal is to help the vaginal muscles loosen gradually, a process that may take months.

Although she is supposed to practice at the therapist’s office, Devorah finds that prospect humiliating. She orders a kit online instead. It arrives in an unmarked white box, with the tubes nested inside one another in a velvet drawstring bag. Each night while Eli attends evening prayers, she practices alone. For the first two weeks, even the narrowest dilator is difficult to use; she must work on keeping her breathing relaxed while practicing with it. The routine is strenuous and monotonous, but she continues.

Eli asks about her progress when he comes home each night. After three months, Devorah can use the largest dilator, yet continued practice does not make it painless. The physical exercise has advanced, but her emotional response has not changed. That gap shifts her understanding of the problem: completing the prescribed steps is not the same as feeling ready or at ease.

Hypnosis and the first intercourse

On their first anniversary, Devorah and Eli attend a hypnotist show in Las Vegas. They keep the trip from their community, and Eli tells his mother they are going to California so Devorah can rest. The show prompts Devorah to consider hypnosis as another possible approach. After returning to New York, she books a session with a licensed hypnotherapist in midtown Manhattan. The appointment costs $250 and lasts an hour. The hypnotherapist expresses confidence that she can help, but Devorah does not know whether she has actually been hypnotized.

Devorah then tells Eli that they will try intercourse again. Before the attempt, she goes to the mikvah, where an attendant who has seen her before remarks on how long it is taking. At home, Devorah chooses a nightgown in the hope of helping Eli feel less nervous; by this point, his confidence has also diminished. The couple succeeds in having intercourse for the first time. Devorah experiences pain, and the encounter is brief, but Eli responds with intense relief and happiness. The event ends the practical impasse in the marriage without establishing that the underlying physical or emotional difficulty has disappeared. The narrative places the attempt after the hypnotherapy session but does not establish that hypnosis caused the change.

Pregnancy and the limits of resolution

The next morning, Eli suggests that Devorah might be pregnant because she has been unusually sensitive to a smell. After Shabbos, they buy a pregnancy test; two pink lines appear within five minutes. Devorah immediately feels that the baby is a boy and turns to pregnancy books, practical preparations, and plans to avoid alcohol. She concentrates on having a healthy pregnancy and describes that project as something she can control. Her attention to planning contrasts with her lack of emotion about the news, while Eli is overwhelmed with happiness and eager to tell his family.

The first intercourse thus leads quickly into pregnancy, but it does not erase the conflicting claims on Devorah’s body. During the pregnancy, Eli tells her that religious rules forbid him from masturbating and that she is responsible for meeting his sexual needs. Devorah experiences his approaches as unwanted and increasingly dreads them; as her pregnancy becomes more visible, it also gives her an excuse to avoid sex. After the birth, Eli presses her about returning to the mikvah before she feels ready to begin the ritual preparations. Devorah instead seeks Dr. Patrick’s approval, receives contraceptive samples, and follows the doctor’s clearance before going to the mikvah. The course of treatment therefore closes one chapter in the couple’s physical relationship while revealing how bodily autonomy remains contested across marriage, pregnancy, religious observance, and motherhood.